THE PILOT BLOG

Dear reader,

Welcome to my pilot blog!

This is my cherished medium to put my thoughts out to you and spark a conversation – you learn some, and I learn a whole lot more from you. Oh and, this is also where I make or break your impression of me, so I’ll try not to let the pressure get to me (if any of you finds out just how to do this, do clue me in!).

But isn’t that just the thing – narratives? Be it ones about us, around us, or even the ones baked right into our psyche – are they set in stone, even the ones that might really be detrimental to us? Can they evolve with time and empathy? And in fact, let’s make it a little more intimate – let’s up the stakes hunh?

Can we change narratives and our perspectives; both extremely integral in the way we conduct ourselves – emotionally and interpersonally?

Dear reader, basically, even if you hate my first blog, can I invite you to join me in keeping an open mind?

CHALLENGE YOUR NARRATIVES: GASLIGHTING OR RESTORING COMMUNICATION LINES?

A common question that often floats my way whenever I talk about changing perspectives and narratives, especially the intimate and personal ones, is always – but what about my version of the story? If I just accept the other, is it gaslighting? Is my story not valid?

To them, I say – of course not. I am not advocating for compromises in our own understanding of how we feel – I’m only suggesting that we don’t continue to build on the emotional narratives we sometimes create in our head – without the space for open conversation and transparency.

Do you feel me? By creating a space for a conversation, you have the chance to mend damages done instead of forever closing the channel. Think of it as restorative healing and communication – and if that means that you make a departure from what you feel to be true to what you know to be true, it could make all the difference.

LET ME PAINT YOU A PICTURE; IT PROMISES TO SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

A close work-friend rang me up to narrate an unpleasant experience at work that she just couldn’t shake and brought home every day of that week.

“My boss is usually quite nice, you know. But yesterday, she just snapped! She looked at my presentation, sighed, and said that she would fix it” she complained, ruefully. I could hear her crushed spirits aloud over the many miles that spread between our homes. Her fear? That her boss didn’t think of her as competent. And that fear soon snowballed into every aspect of her work life – she second guessed every task she completed since then, she hesitated to reach out to her manager, she adopted a timid tone at work – she had lost the pride she felt over her work. What’s worse, she thought she had gambled away her boss’s respect – and has lost her friendship for good.

But something struck me as odd. From afar, I could barely tell any difference in the way my friend’s boss interacted with her – did that mean that things may not have been as dire as it may seem?

Again, I am not suggesting that my friend had made the whole thing up in her head or was wrong to feel what she felt. But could there be some room for another explanation?

Let’s find out!

UNRAVELING THE MYSTERY: ONE CONVERSATION AT A TIME

It wasn’t until much later that she finally invited her boss out for a quick coffee and a chat. Her boss looked unsurprised and volunteered to drive, but my friend? Her heart hammered all the way to their local barista.

She laid down her concerns and her boss really listened, allowing her the space to articulate how she felt. And then said –

“I don’t see you any different; my reaction – however unpleasant, should be curtailed only to that day. I was stressed and I was snippy, and I thought I could just wrap up the work faster, if I did it. If I had stopped to teach you the task, we couldn’t have met the deadline.”

My friend, who was convinced that her boss no longer cared about her achievements, relaxed instantly. What she had assumed to be indifference was in fact, was in fact, a badly managed stress-situation. No, it didn’t minimize or dilute her own feelings about being side-lined, but she understood better; she understood that it was more to do with her boss and less to do with her.

And thus began a process of restorative communication that allowed her to:

• Express her wants and concern of the time

• Adjusting expectations to not hurt herself

• Communicate better with her boss about healthier feedback systems FROM ACTION TO DELIBERATE ACTION: AWARENESS IS A GAME-CHANGER

The thing is, most of us would be surprised to learn that even in the most professional spaces require a zoom-out lens that shows us the bigger picture.

And for the bigger picture, distance is key. And to give yourself the right type of distance, you must practice the habit of being aware – of who you are, what your triggers are, what makes you most insecure, and what can comfort you. Only when you learn to be aware; you start to live a life that you take less personally – your stories remain, your emotions continue to be valid – but what you gain is the appetite to look beyond yourself.

It’s a tricky exercise to learn, but hey – gyms work entirely because millions of people are in the constant pursuit to hone and perfect an art; surely, learning to be your minds’ friend cannot be impossible.

So, enough chit chat and let’s get down to the details, shall we? How does one really attain the right balance between feelings and awareness; and the distance it can afford us to look at things neutrally?

Mindsets take time to evolve, but if it didn’t – would it really be something you cherish? So on that note, write to me to tell me how you think awareness can be introduced into our daily practices – and next time, let’s see if Neha here can practice what she (and you) preach!